Back From The Brink “My Son Can’t Help It — So I Don’t Punish Him”-term life

25-more-love-less-shout

He shouts, he swears, he calls me names — but it’s his attention deficit talking. My child can’t help his behavior, so I work hard to ignore it.

angry face of ADHD boy, against backdrop of a storm

“No! I hate you! You’re stupid! You’re mean! You’re a fricking jerk!” My 10-year-old screams this, responding to a request to find his shoes before we head out to playgroup. I want to scream back, to make him stop calling me names and to stop swearing. I want to hand out a consequence. I want to make it so he never acts like this again. Instead, I take several deep breaths, swallow hard, and wait a beat, trying hard to ignore his words.

He quits screaming. I wait another beat, and he starts pulling on his shoes. “Will Quinn be there?” he asks sweetly. “I like Quinn.” It’s as if nothing has happened.

Let the Storm Pass

This is a battle I often fight — not the battle with my child, his temper, and his choice of words — but a battle against myself. Squelching my first reaction to his oppositional behavior, to make room for what I’ve learned works: Let the storm pass, ignore, wait that magical beat. But it’s hard to do, because when he yells, screams, defies my requests, my temper flares and I worry and get scared. Scared that a 10-year-old who screams at his mother will become a 12-year-old who hits her.

My fear, born in worries that are out of control, has imagined my child’s potty mouth leading to a life sentence for armed robbery. That’s where my mind goes when I worry about my child’s future. That’s where all our minds go, the parents of children with serious behavior problems. That’s where everyone’s mind goes when they see a child who talks back and swears at his parents, who throws tantrums well past pre-K. Take care of these problems now, because they will get worse. If you give in, you’re a terrible mother. It’s American Parenting 101.

“No! I hate you! You’re stupid! You’re mean! You’re a fricking jerk!” My 10-year-old screams this, responding to a request to find his shoes before we head out to playgroup. I want to scream back, to make him stop calling me names and to stop swearing. I want to hand out a consequence. I want to make it so he never acts like this again. Instead, I take several deep breaths, swallow hard, and wait a beat, trying hard to ignore his words.

He quits screaming. I wait another beat, and he starts pulling on his shoes. “Will Quinn be there?” he asks sweetly. “I like Quinn.” It’s as if nothing has happened.

Let the Storm Pass

This is a battle I often fight — not the battle with my child, his temper, and his choice of words — but a battle against myself. Squelching my first reaction to his oppositional behavior, to make room for what I’ve learned works: Let the storm pass, ignore, wait that magical beat. But it’s hard to do, because when he yells, screams, defies my requests, my temper flares and I worry and get scared. Scared that a 10-year-old who screams at his mother will become a 12-year-old who hits her.

My fear, born in worries that are out of control, has imagined my child’s potty mouth leading to a life sentence for armed robbery. That’s where my mind goes when I worry about my child’s future. That’s where all our minds go, the parents of children with serious behavior problems. That’s where everyone’s mind goes when they see a child who talks back and swears at his parents, who throws tantrums well past pre-K. Take care of these problems now, because they will get worse. If you give in, you’re a terrible mother.

source;http://www.additudemag.com/

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